The students arrive at Hogwarts for the Sorting. Teachers and other first year students are introduced by name and house. Harry puts the hat on his head and we end on a cliffhanger with his house unnamed.

Title quoteEdit

You never did know what tiny event might upset the course of your master plan.

Detailed chapter synopsisEdit

Students are being sorted. Harry scans the teachers at the head table, trying to learn about them (we learn that Flitwick has Goblin ancestry, which Harry is very curious about, genetically speaking). He meets a Ravenclaw Prefect who tries to answer his questions. Hermione is sorted into Ravenclaw, Neville into Hufflepuff, Draco into Slytherin. When Harry gets up to be sorted, Fred and George start a cheer that spreads to most of the room. He puts the hat on his head and starts to ask a bunch of questions. The hat thinks, "Oh dear, this has never happened before..." and we end on a cliffhanger.


The disclaimer is a reference to the internet meme all your base are belong to us.

The Sorting Hat's song is a reference to Monty Python's [lumberjack song.


Minerva McGonagall

Album Dumbledore

Harry Potter-Evans-Verres

Hermione Granger

Draco Malfoy

Fred Weasley

George Weasley

Neville Longbottom

Severus Snape

Pomona Sprout

Professor Trewlawney

Professor Flitwick

Penelope Clearwater

Other Teachers & Students


Hogwarts, Great Hall


Sorting Hat

Rationality and scienceEdit

Genetics (goblin and human interbreeding)

Author notesEdit

When this chapter was first posted, the Weasley twins and Lee Jordan sing a song to the tune of the Ghostbusters theme for Harry. Some people reacted negatively to songs in fanfiction, so Eliezer removed it. The original chapter also didn't include the description of the professors, or the discussion of Flitwick's ancestry.

Nobody guessed what the last sentence was talking about before the next update. Eliezer has said that two people got close, and would have succeeded if they'd combined their guesses.

External linksEdit

Chapter 9 on